I think we're part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is.
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they're my play. They're my passion. Words are all we have really. We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. And, then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. The same words that hurt can heal.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
The earth doesn't share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?" - Plastic, asshole.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Everyone smiles in the same language.
Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.
Electricity is really just organized lightning
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they 'ought to be.' And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
Is there another word for synonym?
The status quo sucks.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, "Fuck waffles.
They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!
[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
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